Atychiphobia

You're probably wondering this means, right? It's the fear of failure. I'm far from being a scientific expert as to what causes this, whether it be neurotransmitters or some similar chemical malfunction in the brain, but the fear of failure can be minute or catastrophic. It could push someone to do better, or to quit. This isn't going to be an exposition of any portion of Scripture, as my posts most commonly are; rather, this is going to be an honest inward reflection of what really causes me to be anxious when considering present/future things.

"Philosopher in Meditation"

This painting by Rembrandt portrays me in an honest, deep way. I think a lot. Whether I'm reading a book, working, driving, sitting in church, etc. it's more than likely visible that I'm meditating on something. What am I thinking about? Well, it varies with the moment: life, God and His Word, future, girlfriend, work, failures, some undesired past event--I could go on. From time to time, dwelling on the uncertainty knocks me off my equilibrium: "What's going to happen next?" Also, "I've begun this path; what if a dead-end awaits?" I've found myself staring at this photo time and time again, seeing my reflection in how I can hang my head low and be lost in thought.



Now, I'm in no way, shape, or form implying that I need medical attention with this fear, for I'm convinced all men struggle or have fought through it on some occasion. What failure/s am I exactly afraid of?

I'm worried that seminary isn't going to work out. I've taken two online classes already; I have passed both of them, but grades weren't that great--barely passing. What isn't helping this endeavor is my failed attempt to pursue missions for 2 years in Thailand. Even though that really caused me anxiety, over time I was able to really trust God's providence to keep me here--especially with now having a wonderful girlfriend and having the Kirk (home church) help aide the financial obligations for seminary (in which they offered freely, not by any supplication on my part). But the fact that I really poured my heart into pursuing it, for it only to not work out, I'm scared of a repeat. I'm scared that seminary is not where God wants me. The thought boggles my mind of fathoming what career does God want to use me to bring His name glory, and how the Kingdom would benefit.

Underlying all of this is a belief that God should never place me in a situation where the desired end goal (in my thinking) is never reached. "God, you shouldn't have allowed me to start raising support for Thailand because look, I'm not there." And so my anxious thought is now, "God, I'm scared that the exact same thing is going to happen; that at the end of the day, this will be another FAIL." Enter Michael S. Horton:

When trouble comes, whether external or internal threats to our physical or spiritual warfare, we are to turn inside out. Our first inclination at these times is the opposite. Like a turtle withdrawing into its shell at the sign of danger, we turn inward and grab hold of our own resources to sustain us. But as counterintuitive as it is for us, we must turn outward at precisely these times and hope only in the Lord, whatever our conscience threatens, whatever blandishments Satan offers, whatever our experience tells us is the obvious case. A Place for Weakness pp.176-177

"If you can't say, 'Amen,' you'd better say, 'Ouch!' (Pastor Neil)" It's hard for me to read that sentence and still think I have justifiable reasons for my complaints. Like Job, I realize I wasn't there when the earth was founded nor do I take part in sustaining it. I didn't create myself; I'm not the one guiding all events and time; life doesn't orbit around me. I can't argue with my Creator, especially now that He's my Father. He knows what He's doing, and He has the right to not let me know about the details.

So when athychiphobia seems to be surfacing, I know what dwells below is an unbelief in God and His working all things for my good, the good of the Church, and for His glory. I realize thinking too much on my situations and uncertainties rather than the truth found in Jesus is what causes instability.

"For every look at self, take ten looks at Christ." - R.M. McCheyne